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LINDA'S STORY (3 of 5)

Totally appalled, shocked, and overcome with grief and an acute case of phlebitis, Linda fled West, tragically falling into the clutches of the Women's Christian Temperance Union. Using Linda's delicate emotional state to her full advantage, Evanston, IL resident Frances Willard, oft dubbed "the Mother of Prohibition", was able to brainwash our protagonist, prompting her to embark upon a ten-year stint as an anti-alcohol lobbyist and avid censor of published materials.

Perusing a work by Benjamin Franklin one morning, Linda came upon his famous saying, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Inspired and awakened to the one great truth which governs man, she ran screaming from Evanston like a bat out of Hell and straight into the home of Julius A. Neiuland, where at first she worked as a maid in his laboratory.

Neiuland had recently begun research in an attempt to synthesize rubber and quickly discovered Linda's aptitude for complex mathematical equations pertaining to his quest; thus, he secretly employed her for 13 years as his assistant at State College in Punxatawney, Pa. Thanks to her technological ingenuity, we now have neoprene. But claiming her formulas as his own, Julius obtained a patent in 1939, became rich and famous, and cruelly exiled Linda to a hovel in Key West in order to prevent her from publicly exposing his fraudulence. To make ends meet, she put her invention to use and became the first female SCUBA instructor, first teaching WW2 submarine operators how to dive properly, and later introducing tourists to the wonders of the deep.


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